Zombies vs Vampires: Which is Greener?

Following a twitter discussion with Paul from Set In Darkness, I thought I’d write up our musings on the environmental credentials (or lack thereof) of the undead.

Obviously it’s just a bit of fun. I myself used to be a werewolf, but I’m all right noooooooooooowwwww!


FOOD

Food waste isn’t an issue with zombies, they tend to consume an entire body without leaving many morsels for the birds. In fact one horse can sustain hundreds of zombies, as we saw in The Walking Dead. Unless, of course, you encounter that peculiar breed of zombies that, as Lynsey pointed out, only want to eat your braaaiiinnnzzz.

Vampires, on the other hand, are such dainty eaters. In fact, they don’t even eat, they drink. Having drained you of your blood, they’ll just throw the rest of you away. Such waste!

Winner: Zombies

TRANSPORT

Zombies are slow. Dead slow. In fact, they’re so short of pace that it’s a wonder anyone ever gets caught by them. A running shoulder charge should get you through a crowd of zombies in no time. This means that their transport carbon emissions are zero.

Vampires are fast. From Buffy to True Blood, your average Vamp can move a fair distance in the blink of an eye. Plus, they can fly by themselves, without the need for planes. Dracula did need a ship to sail to England, but it was sail-powered so we can safely assume that a Vampire’s carbon emissions are also close to zero. However, they win because of the distance they can cover.

Winner: Close, but Vampires

CLOTHING

Have you ever seen a dressed-down vampire? No. If it’s not a black cloak then it’s ruffles on their shirt or a powdered wig on their head. Vampires-R-Us also do a nice line in bodices that can be ripped off the nearest virgin. And since Vampires are such evil bastards, it’s probably all made in a sweat-shop in Bangladeadsh.

Zombies have no need for fine clothes. They’re happy to stroll around in whatever they were wearing when they died. In fact, their nice clothes are better kept in the wardrobe since they’d just get mucky during a feeding frenzy anyway.

Winner: Zombies

HOUSING

Houses? For Zombies? Completely unnecessary. They’re more than happy to wander the streets 24/7 and don’t seem to require much in the way of rest. And they’re just at home in the countryside as they are in the city streets. In fact, probably more so given the abundance of wildlife to eat.

Castles, mansions, crypts. Vampires can’t just hang their cloak in any old place. They need the soil of their homeland, with no thought for the contamination from invasive species that may bring. Vampires could sustain an entire construction industry building both underground lairs and castle turrets. It’s far from green!

Winner: Zombies

ENERGY

Neither Zombies nor Vampires seem to have much need for electricity. Zombies will wander around in the dark, relying on their sense of smell to guide them.

I’m assuming that since Vampires can turn into bats, then they also have sonar. They don’t seem to use it much, preferring a couple of thousand candles to light their nightly manouverings. On the plus side, since they only come out at night they have no need for air conditioning. And the candles should keep a reasonably-sized crypt warm.

Winner: Zombies

DEATH

Just how many trees did Buffy have to chop down for all those stakes? The act of killing a Vampire isn’t the greenest thing in the world, assuming you can’t get him or her near to some running water. On the plus side, the Vampire body does turn into ash and leaves little trace. Plus, the stakes can be recycled.

Zombies just leave one hell of a mess. Carcasses everywhere, even their own kind aren’t too happy at devouring the undead. If the entire world were zombiefied, then there would be an awful lot of cleaning up to do afterwards and the environmental costs of burying or landfilling all those bodies would be horrendous.

Winner: Vampires

And the overall winner has to be...the Zombies. They out-green Vampires in almost every department, and are themselves the very definition of slow food! Want to add something or think I’m too quick to tar Vampires with an un-green brush? Leave a comment!